Miss Hadzaihazritun

Fragility

2011-11-20T00:29:00.001-08:00

I wish I was just a little baby. Nothing to worry about, just have fun. I can cry when I want to & I can laugh just because someone can make funny faces.

But all of that is just not possible. I'm all grown up. I have things to worry about. Lot to thinks about. Life isn't carefree as it used to be backs when I was a little child. Trials come. Trial go. One that I'm going through now is one of the hardest I've encountered so far.

Why? Because it involves feelings. My feelings & the feelings of others. I can bla bla bla & bla to people on how to handle things on hard time, but when it happened to me, I become lost. I lost my sense of judgement, I lost my will, I became weak & I feel like I wanted to just poof out of the world, but I know no matter how hard things are, I still have to face them, I still have to live with them.

I weep, I sulk. Idk. Things like this, it takes time, I'm aware of that. I dont expect it to over right then & there. But I wish so badly, it would end soon. I know I shouldnt be too hard on myself, but the thing is, things fall hard on me. If you were in my shoes, you'll know what I mean. And dont even think what happened to me is what happen to everyone. No. It's not even close.

Fragility

2011-11-18T02:51:00.001-08:00

Feeling down at the moment. I don't know why. Wait, I do know why. This is hard. I've been flooding myself with tears these past few nights. It hurts. Really hurts.

I don't know. Maybe it's because I've been keeping myself so strong for so long that I pushed aside, the fragility in me. I've never been this sensitive about things. Little things.

I'm not me right now. I'm just not me. I can feel that and I hate it when I feel like I'm not being me. Because it sucks, really.

The me I am right this very moment is someone I don't know. I never knew that there's 'this me' in me. It's like I'm a stranger to myself now. That's just not right.

Lately I've been locking myself up in my room, which I don't do so often. My tears ran dry because of all this weeping these past few nights.

Anyone wants to volunteer giving me hugs? I could really use a hug right now. I need a hug.

Ps/ I miss you a lot. I wish you were here my sugar dumpling..

My So-Called Bestfie

2011-11-10T17:54:00.000-08:00

It's my first post for this blog. So yeah, I really regret that I had deleted my old blog. Ok whatever it is, past is past. Nothing can be done about that.

Ok just to remind you guys, the next paragraphs will be a little bit emo. So yeah, mind me to let it all out.

FRIENDSHIP~ It's just 10 Letters, yet it HAD really a huge impact in my life for the past few years. When I sit alone gazing up at the ceiling (mind you, I don't have a see-thru ceiling for me to actually gaze upon the stars), I wonder;

AM I THE ONE WHO HAS CHANGED MUCH? OR THE PEOPLE AROUND ME ARE CHANGING, DRASTICALLY? I HAVE NO ANSWERS TO THESE QUESTIONS. Let's leave that be.

But as they say, people change and their views on things change. I have finally come to accept the fact that I'm not interested to become anyone's bestfriend anymore. The word 'BESTfriend' is no longer exist in my life's dictionary. Afterall, getting hurts and being hurts is all what I get. I'm tired of being a good 'angel' all the time taking good care of their feeling and instead hurting mine. I'm tired of hiding my own feelings just to make other people comfortable. Yet they don't even care about me. They couldn't care less about almost everything that I would do for their god sake (Most of them).

I had sacrificed a lot for them and I'm not asking them to do same for me if they don't want to. A little bit of appreciation will do enough. Bear in mind that, I'm implying the word 'appreciation' here is not asking for their money neither their attention.

I just want them to appreciate me by treasuring our friendships. But I guess they still don't get it. It's not because whatsoever-reason-they-have, it's just simply because the term 'FRIENDSHIP' in their dictionary is defined as 'friends with benefits'.

When I was in secondary school, I'm one of the loudest girl - anyone wants to certify that statement? Haha. Probably those who know me well would say it's true. *kinda miss my high school right now. Huhu

But now, at my current school, I would say that my attitudes kinda change a little bits. I didn't talk much. And my friends tend to misunderstand my situation. It's not that I don't want to entertain you guys, I don't want to sit with you guys, I don't want to playing around and making fun of something, it's just that, I don't have enough time for that.

Bear in mind that, getting in a new place and trying to adapt to it is really a difficult phase of life. I just hope I can cope and used to the life here. Assignments is piling up like mad. You guys should understand it. I'm not making up an excuse, it's the truth.

But I'm too disappointed when you guys just simply jump to a conclusion that im now become arrogant, I had new friends or whatever. Say what you guys wanna say, I don't care anymore.

Note: when I used the word 'guys', I'm not refering to my close friend ok. Btw, there's a different between close friend and bestfriend. I leave it to you guys to find out the difference.

Aite- aite. It's best that I get off to sleep now.